


the thing about illicit affairs

by KelseyO



Category: Teenage Bounty Hunters (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Banter, Bisexual Character, Blair x Luke friendship, Coming Out, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Lesbian Character, Protective Siblings, Religious Discussion, Renew Teenage Bounty Hunters, Self-Discovery, Sibling Love, Spoilers for all of Season 1, so much cussing, stepril - Freeform, there is no character combination on this planet more fun to write than the sisters Wesley
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-28
Updated: 2021-01-01
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:08:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26689435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KelseyO/pseuds/KelseyO
Summary: Blair doesn’t let go of Sterling the whole ride home.Sterling doesn’t speak, or look in the rear-view mirror, or stop crying; just stares blankly out the window thinking about the hand clinging to hers and about her sort-of ex-girlfriend pursuing her ex-boyfriend and about her mom actually being her aunt and about her twin sister being neither her twin *nor* her sister.How do you mourn the loss of someone who’s still sitting right next to you?(Post-S1 finale. Three parts, three hurting girls, three rounds of picking up the pieces. Title from Taylor Swift, per usual.)
Relationships: April Stevens/Sterling Wesley, Blair Wesley & Sterling Wesley
Comments: 43
Kudos: 249





	1. one

**Author's Note:**

> This fic exists for two reasons: because Jill-and-Beth wouldn't stop tweeting about TBH, and because Maddie, Anjelica, and Devon rocked my entire face off for ten episodes. We thank them all for their service.

**_you taught me a language I can’t speak with anyone else_ **

**_*_ **

Blair doesn’t let go of Sterling the whole ride home.

Sterling doesn’t speak, or look in the rear-view mirror, or stop crying; just stares blankly out the window thinking about the hand clinging to hers and about her sort-of ex-girlfriend pursuing her ex-boyfriend and about her mom actually being her aunt and about her twin sister being neither her twin _nor_ her sister.

How do you mourn the loss of someone who’s still sitting right next to you?

When they pull into the driveway Anderson turns in his seat to speak, but Blair cuts him off.

“You two can stay in the car and think about what you’ve done. We’re gonna go upstairs, and no one is to attempt any form of communication for three to five business days. Got it?”

He nods; Debbie doesn’t move a single muscle and her hands haven’t left the steering wheel.

Blair reaches across Sterling to open the door and waits patiently for Sterling’s wobbly deer legs to calm down—why does she feel like she’s been out at sea for a year?—then Blair sticks her head back in the truck. “Food and beverages can be left on the table between our rooms.” She’s not gentle when she closes the door behind her. “Come on, Sterl.”

Her sister (Sterling has to swallow a sob) is like a hurricane as she does a full sweep of the house, somehow grabbing Sterling’s favorite pillow from the sofa and her laptop charger and at least twelve hours’ worth of snacks all without their hands separating. The next stop is Sterling’s room, where Blair uses her toe to pull open a dresser drawer.

“Top,” she instructs, letting Sterling pull out a t-shirt, then she pushes it closed and opens another one. “Bottom.” Sterling finds her favorite pajama pants and drapes them over her arm. Now Blair looks at her. “Hoodie?”

“The one…” Christ almighty, her voice is shaking. “The one from harmonica camp.” Blair quirks an eyebrow and Sterling shrugs. “It’s really soft.”

Blair just shakes her head and yanks it from Sterling’s closet. “I can’t believe I love someone who went to harmonica camp,” she mutters.

Sterling laugh-sobs. “I almost bought you their ‘Someone At Harmonica Camp Loves Me’ hoodie.”

“You _not_ buying that for me is how I know you’re truly living in God’s image.” Blair tosses her the hoodie and leads Sterling down the hall to her own room, then takes a deep breath, studying their joined hands.

“What?”

Her eyes flicker up to Sterlings, and in the next instant Blair is wrapping her in a hug so tight that all the air in her lungs _wooshes_ away.

(Or maybe the hug is completely normal and Sterling just can’t fucking breathe right now.)

“I don’t care what anyone says,” Blair announces, keeping her voice quiet and only for Sterling’s ears.

Sterling rubs her back. “I know. I’ve always admired your self-esteem—you’re seriously such a badass.”

“No, I mean about…” Blair sniffs and her arms tighten even more. “You’re my sister. My best friend. The platonic love of my life.” She pulls away and grips Sterling’s shoulders, holds her cheeks, brushes away a few tears. “I don’t care about all of these psycho adults. They can’t take you away from me.”

Sterling’s eyes widen. “Oh my god, do you think they would?”

Blair shakes her head. “It was a metaphor. We’re gonna be together forever.” She steps away from Sterling and hastily wipes away the moisture on her own cheeks. “Get changed so we can cuddle and rewatch _Warrior Nun_.”

“Now that I’ve made out with April a bunch of times,” Sterling says thoughtfully, “and like, know I’m not straight? I think I have a crush on Ava. Like a real, actual crush.”

“We all have a crush on Ava. You’re not special.” Blair sees Sterling’s pout and relents. “I’m sorry. You’re special to me. But I’m not giving you bisexual brownie points for being attracted to an attractive person.” She holds out her hand. “Grab me an elastic?” Sterling finds one on Blair’s desk and gives it to her. “Miles and I even got into an argument once about whether she would choose me or him… it got pretty intense.” Blair pauses midway through tying her hair back. “Maybe _that’s_ why he dumped me, and he just used that disaster date as an excuse.”

Sterling makes several Thinking Faces as she tries to decide how gentle to be.

Blair waves her off. “No, you’re right, it was probably a little of both.”

*

It’s just after five a.m. when Sterling wakes up from a dream about Robert Pattinson being her conversation partner in Spanish class. She rolls over and knocks foreheads with Blair, then abruptly remembers several terrible things: that her family isn’t really her family, that kidnapping her own daughter isn’t the only significant crime her biological mom has committed, that April isn’t her girlfriend… and that she was so busy being held hostage in a trailer park bathroom that she forgot to tell Blair about the lock-in.

But now she’s thinking about April flirting with Luke and telling Sterling that she’d rather stay in the closet and Luke asking her permission to ask out April and Sterling _giving_ him permission, and now she’s rolling away from Blair to cry into the pillow because she’s already cried so much in the last twelve hours and even Sterling is getting sick of this.

An arm reaches out right away and wraps around her stomach, a warm body presses against her back, and a sleepy sigh tickles her ear. “Bad dream?”

“Bad reality,” Sterling mumbles, hugging Blair’s arm against her. 

“Fuck ‘em.”

She takes a few deep breaths and waits for her lungs to steady so she can speak. “April doesn’t want to come out with me. She flirted with Luke all night and now he might ask her out.” Sterling kind of wants to laugh at herself at this point. “And I may or may not have told him to go for it.”

Blair is silent for a long moment. “You are too good for this world, and everyone on this planet besides you and me and the cast of _Warrior Nun_ can suck balls.”

“What about Bowser?”

“Valid. We won’t include him in the ball-sucking mandate.” She pauses. “Hey, you know what I keep thinking about that’s kind of insane?”

Sterling ponders the question. “AOC’s makeup routine?”

“If we hadn’t dinged up dad’s truck and lied about being bounty hunters and started working with Bowser… I don’t know how we would’ve found you. _If_ we would’ve found you.” Blair’s voice gets tight at the end and Sterling feels goosebumps pop up along her own arms.

She rolls over to face Blair again, and the dark circles she sees under Blair’s eyes make her wonder if her sister actually got any sleep. “Thank you for rescuing me,” she whispers.

“Thank you for being such a freaking genius with the debit card and the Sour Patch Kids,” Blair counters. “You’re seriously, like, the smartest person I know.”

“Thank you. But also, you got _shot_ at. You’re, like, the _bravest_ person I know.”

Blair nods. “Thank you.”

Sterling’s heart is suddenly pounding in her chest. “Hey, Blair?”

“Yeah?”

“What if our twink doesn’t work anymore?”

Blair shifts onto her back and presses her palms over her eyes. “Sterl, how many times do I have to tell you that ‘twink’ is already a word and you can’t use it as an abbreviation for ‘twin link’?”

She pouts, worrying her bottom lip between her teeth. “Is it weird that I’m scared to even try?”

“That’s not weird at all. I’m kind of worried about it too.”

“You are?”

Blair looks at her and nods, and Sterling can see her working her jaw, but if Blair is crying it’s too dark to tell. Sterling tucks herself against Blair’s chest and pulls the blankets up to her chin, like if they can just get physically close enough, if they can hide from the world under this duvet cover, maybe they can pretend that Dana and their de-twinning never happened.

“Fuck ‘em,” Blair says again as if she can read Sterling’s thoughts.

Sterling cries for another hour.

*

Two plates of chocolate chip pancakes and two glasses of orange juice appear on the hallway table and they arrange a picnic on Blair’s floor.

Sterling has received a grand total of zero texts from April since the lock-in and she can’t decide if that’s the best thing ever or the worst thing ever, so she drenches her pancakes in syrup and watches Blair roll her eyes at her phone for the millionth time.

“Do I want to know?”

Blair’s gaze flickers to Sterling and she sets her phone aside with the screen facing down. “You definitely don’t want to go on Instagram, or Facebook, or Snapchat, or TikTok right now.” She stabs a chunk of pancakes and chews it like a piece of steak. “Either April has Hannah B. making a literal documentary about her and Luke’s blossoming romance, or April’s arm is this close to falling off from taking so many selfies with him.” Blair sighs. “What should we call them? Lupril? No, A-puke!”

Sterling wrinkles her notes. “I know you’re saying ‘puke’ but that sounded like a sneeze.”

“Exactly! Sneezing and puking, things that are annoying and gross just like April slash Luke.”

She adds more syrup. “I… sort of kissed him last night. After he mentioned wanting to date April, right before Dana showed up.”

Blair gapes at her. “I thought you weren’t into him anymore.”

“I’m not. Just… everything is so chaotic and shitty, and in that moment he felt… I don’t know. Safe.”

Her sister nods, like she can’t really argue with that, but then snorts into her next bite.

Sterling makes a face. “What? Is that stupid?”

“No, I’m just picturing April’s reaction to you stealing your ex-boyfriend-slash-potential-beard away from your ex-girlfriend who’s currently using him as _her_ beard.”

“I never said I was going to steal him!” Sterling retorts.

Blair holds out her hands to steady her. “I know, I know. I’m just saying it would be really poetic and possibly the best thing to ever happen in Atlanta. That’s all.”

Sterling sighs, and finally puts the syrup down. “Did you hear them fighting this morning?”

“Which time?” Blair mutters, now completely going to town as she cuts up her pancakes until they look more like brown mashed potatoes. “The seven o’clock or the nine-thirty?”

“The first round was louder but I heard dad a lot more during the second round. Hard to tell which one was worse.”

Blair makes a face and takes a much larger bite of pancake than necessary. “I say, let them scream it out and let us reap the benefits.”

Sterling glances around Blair’s room. “Do you think if we leave our laundry in the hallway, she’ll do that for us too?”

“Unsure,” Blair replies through her mouthful of food, “but I like where you’re going with this.” She gestures thoughtfully with her fork. “Has your crying-on-command improved at all since you got me out of that speeding ticket last year?”

Sterling shrugs. “I mean, maybe if I just think about mom and dad, or April and Luke, or us not being…” Her throat closes up and her eyes are burning, and she wipes her nose with the back of her hand.

Blair holds out a nearly empty box of tissues. “The ‘rents don’t stand a chance.”

*

They only agree to go to school on Monday because the idea of spending another full day under the Wesley Roof of Lies feels even more unbearable than anything that private school education could throw at them.

“We’re coming downstairs to get the car keys,” Blair announces as they descend to the first level, her voice echoing off the polished wood floors. “You know the path. Stay out of our way.”

She holds Sterling’s hand again on the way to the car, and also in the car, and still when they get out of the car, and Sterling wonders how well Blair is coping with any of this; if Blair still feels like not staying physically attached could result in a re-kidnapping, like this constant contact could maybe, eventually, undo the damage. Blair even walks Sterling all the way to her first class, which is at the literal opposite end of the building as her own, but Sterling can’t find the words to object.

Blair gives her a hug a few lockers away from the classroom door. “Please be safe, okay? Don’t talk to anyone you don’t know, and don’t get into anyone’s car except mine.”

“I promise. I’ll see you in Spanish.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

They both hesitate. Minus the bathroom at home, this will be the first time they’re out of each other’s sight since the RV park.

“I’ll be okay,” Sterling says as confidently as she can.

Blair just nods, then turns around and walks away, immediately tugging at her sweatshirt sleeve and wiping something from her face.

Sterling takes the world’s deepest breath, finds her seat, and spends most of the lecture barely processing a single word her teacher says, and not much changes through the rest of the morning or afternoon. Everything is a blur around her—even April, who has to touch her arm to get her attention as she opens her locker.

“Hey,” April says softly, her expression neutral. “Are you okay?”

“I’m… _great_ ,” Sterling manages, blanking on which textbook she needs next, which results in her hands stalling uselessly at her hips. “I’d ask you how _you_ are, but you’ve been all over social media all weekend, so I already know that you’re… also great.” She decides to go with her history book for the sake of doing _something_. “Seriously, you and Luke are so, so great.”

April glances over her shoulder, then past Sterling, then takes a step closer. “I may be bullshitting this school and my parents, but we don’t have to bullshit each other.” Her voice gets even quieter. “I know this must be really hard for you, and I’m sorry. I just… I don’t know what else to do.”

Sterling nods and closes her locker loudly enough to make April flinch. “I’m sorry too,” she says, the words pleasant enough even as her eyes burn, and she makes herself wait until she’s around the corner to pull out her phone.

“Everything sucks and I’m gonna skip study hall to cry in the bathroom,” she announces into a voice message to Blair. “How’s _your_ day going so far?”

Blair’s response comes right away. _“Someone already caught me being emo and I had to tell them that we watched The Passion of the Christ over the weekend and I’m still reeling.”_

Sterling laughs just a little. “That’s brilliant. You mind if I steal it?”

_“Please do. And also, please get yourself a Gatorade before the waterworks start so you can rehydrate after.”_

“I can’t, the vending machines are cash-only and I just have my card.”

_“I put five one’s in your back pocket this morning when you were taking a shower. Make that archaic robot your bitch.”_

She sniffs back a wave of tears and smiles at her phone even though she knows Blair can’t see it. “I love you so much.”

 _“I love_ **_you_ ** _so much. I’ll meet you out front for lunch and we’ll eat in the car, okay?”_

Sterling sends Blair about fifty heart emojis and buys two bottles of Glacier Cherry.

*

She’s been sitting on the bench for eight minutes and Blair isn’t here yet but her eyes don’t care and are already leaking, and she tries to hide behind her phone screen, but of course, Luke still finds her.

“Sterling?”

“Hey,” she greets with the biggest smile that she can.

He points back toward the building. “I saw you through the window again, and I noticed that you were crying… again,” he explains, scratching the back of his neck. “And I just wanted you to know that I’m here for you. Although, I’d prefer if you didn’t kiss me again? Because that was confusing and weird. No offense.”

Sterling shakes her head. “No offense taken. I shouldn’t have done that and I’m sorry.”

“No worries, Sterl,” he says effortlessly, smiling in that cute, familiar, absolutely adoring way that she’s had memorized for years. “And hey, I took your advice and asked April out—”

“That’s great!” she blurts, and begins a silent prayer for Blair to show up thirty seconds ago. “That’s—that’s literally so great, Luke.”

His smile only gets bigger and the knots in her stomach get tighter and _where the fuck is Blair_ —

“And I was thinking, y’know, about what I said the other night, about how you two could really build something together if you gave it a shot…”

She’s shaking her head again, deep breath in, out slowly. “You’re so sweet to see that potential, but things are just kind of crazy right now.”

“That’s what I mean, though,” he points out, sounding completely undeterred. “I think she’s going through a lot too—”

“Blair!” Sterling calls out the instant she sees her sister exit the front doors, and waves her over. “Sorry, Luke, I gotta go.”

He gets to his feet. “It’s okay. I just wanted to see if you’d changed your mind. She kind of talks about you all the time, so I thought maybe you could help cheer her up, but—”

“Hey, you two!” Blair greets, planting herself next to Sterling. “Sorry, Luke, we have some _extremely_ urgent lunch plans awaiting us.”

She steps on Blair’s foot as gently and subtly as she can (she still hears a hushed _“Ow!”_ ) and clears her throat. “She… ‘she’ as in April… she t-talks about me?”

“Yeah. She’s, like, really passionate about the schoolwork you’ve done together.” He glances at his watch. “We’re planning to chill at my house after school today if you wanna join. Blair, you’re totally invited too.”

Blair bristles at her sudden inclusion in the conversation. “You know what, that’s okay, I’m really not—”

“Blair and I are both free and would _love_ to join you,” Sterling interrupts, ignoring the death-glare she can feel staring her down.

Luke couldn’t be happier about the accepted invitation. “Sweet. See you later then, Sterl. And Blair,” he adds with a thumbs up.

She waves goodbye to shoo him away, waits until he’s probably out of earshot, then zeroes right in on her sister.

“Are you fucking kidding me, Sterling?”

“Did you hear what he said? She talks about me all the time!”

“I talk about JK Rowling all the time, but that doesn’t mean I wanna hook up with her!”

“Well, obviously not. She’s a transphobic asshole.”

“ _Such_ a transphobic asshole.”

“But April and I have _already_ hooked up, so it’s not like more hookups are completely out of the question. Isn’t this the part where you tell me to follow my heart and fight for what I want?”

“Yes, and I had a whole super supportive speech prepared in my head, but that all went out the window when you dragged _me_ into your gay-date.” She pauses. “Like playdate, but gay.”

“I got it, that was really good.”

“Thank you. I’m trying to normalize the language, y’know? Love is love, Sterl. I never want you to have to question my support.”

“You’re so awesome and I sincerely appreciate you.”

They both glance across the lawn at Luke and then look at each other again in unison, both sets of eyes wide with excitement.

“Did we just—?”

“Was that a—?”

Blair and Sterling answer each other’s questions with a massive hug, both of them squeezing the shit out of their favorite person in the world.

“I told you they couldn’t take you away from me,” Blair says, bringing tears to Sterling’s eyes for the millionth time today.

An almost clown-like honking interrupts their embrace and they turn to find Ellen waving from her lavender moped before pressing her palm to her chest. “Y’all’s twin thing always warms my heart. See you tomorrow, girls!”

She rides away and they exchange glances.

“Our twin thing,” Sterling echoes with a proud smile. “ _Our_ _twin thing_.”

Blair nods excitedly. “Not only is it _totally_ still a thing, but it’s enough of a thing to continue warming her heart!”

“Which doesn’t take much, to be fair, but we definitely deserved the compliment.”

“Oh, one-hundred percent.”

“Like, we can’t just _reject_ Ellen’s approval.”

“Absolutely not, that would be so rude.”

“ _So_ rude.” Sterling pauses for a cautious beat. “Feeling any better about going to Luke’s now?”

Blair’s expression sours. “Fuck. I got so excited about the twin link surviving our familial trauma that I already forgot about the gaydate.”

“Which means you’re probably not _that_ annoyed with me, right?”

“No, that’s not at all what that means.” Sterling holds her best puppy pout until Blair rolls her eyes, links their arms, then glances upward. “I am a fucking _saint_ ,” she shouts at the sky as they head for the car, “and I hope you’re taking notes up there.”


	2. two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear I didn't mean to leave you all hanging for three months!!! I got 1,500 words into this chapter and then was completely derailed by Life Things for a hot minute, BUT WE FINALLY DID IT, KIDS.
> 
> (Also, no bullshit, I've had my folklore/evermore playlist on shuffle for the past three days and as I was getting ready to post this, "illicit affairs" came on and that's how I know that Taylor Swift is in this Stepril tonight.)

**_this godforsaken mess that you made me_ **

*

This might be the first time Sterling has ever observed Blair obeying the speed limit.

She decides she’s okay with that; one, because obeying local traffic laws is important, and two, because she might be dreading this gaydate just as much as Blair is. Her own voice echoes through her head more than once, reminding Sterling to _Follow your heart! Fight for what you want!_ but all the self-encouragement in the world can’t de-awkward the situation before her.

(Hanging out with your sister, your ex-girlfriend, and your ex-boyfriend at your ex-boyfriend’s house for the first time since you broke up with him, and for the express purpose of convincing your ex-girlfriend to real-date you instead of fake-dating your ex-boyfriend.)

Now Blair has taken a third wrong turn, and Sterling can’t handle much more of this anticipation.

“Okay, enough,” she begs, finally breaking the silence. “The longer you put this off, the longer April is going to keep denying her authentic self.”

Blair scoffs. “Oh, so _I’m_ suddenly personally responsible for April being in the closet?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“You heavily implied it.”

“What if the situation was reversed? What if I was taking you to see Miles and win him back and I drove like we were in a car wash?”

“First of all, you don’t _drive_ through a car wash, you put your vehicle in park and they _move_ you through the wash—”

“That’s not the—”

“Second of all, I drove _myself_ to see Miles and win him back after _you_ fucked up our date—”

“We already had this fight and I already apologized and you already admitted that _you_ sabotaged—”

“Whatever! None of it even matters anymore because he’s an asshole who decided to jump ship instead of embracing the chaos.”

“Ugh. He doesn’t deserve you and I hope you Avril Lavigne’d the crap out of him.”

“I mean, not verbatim, but I feel like it was at least Avril-adjacent?” Blair rifles her fingers through her hair and scowls out the windshield. “Like, yeah, I’m a lot to handle. You don’t know trouble, I’m a hell of a scandal. I’m a scene, I’m a drama queen…” She opens the widow and sticks her head out far enough that Sterling reaches over to steady the wheel. “I’M THE BEST DAMN THING YOUR EYES HAVE EVER SEEN.”

She settles back into her seat, closes the window, and lets out a deep breath.

“Feel better?”

“Yeah, I needed that. How do I get back to Luke’s street from here?”

“Take a right on Sycamore and then another right on Birch.”

“Thank you. I always get the trees mixed up.”

*

April answers the door, and her eyes flicker from Sterling to Blair and back to Sterling.

Sterling lifts her hand to wave—or something?—and a greeting she hasn’t fully decided upon yet forms on the tip of her tongue, but April cuts her off.

“Luke,” she calls out in that way Debbie does when she’s trying to discreetly scold them in public, “can I have a word?” He appears behind her and she immediately pulls him away. “In private.”

“Hey, Sterl!” he gets out before they vanish into another room.

Sterling and Blair exchange glances and wait in silence for what feels like several years. “Do vampire rules apply here?” Blair eventually whispers.

“I don’t know,” Sterling replies, also keeping her voice hushed. “He did technically invite us _over_.”

“But does he have to, like, re-invite us _in_?”

“I don’t _know_.”

“I _know_ you don’t know, I’m just thinking out loud!”

“He said my name, does that count?”

“Not if we’re going completely by-the-book.”

“What source material, though? _Twilight_? _Buffy_? O.G. _Fright Night_? Colin Farrell _Fright Night_?”

“Colin Farrell,” Blair sighs dreamily, then shakes her head to snap out of it. “Sorry. I was thinking about his arms.”

“That’s really kind of you, Blair!” Luke says, prompting both sisters to turn their attention to him. “I know golf isn’t really considered a muscle sport, but I do still try to maintain what God gave me. Come on in, Wesleys.”

He gestures for them to enter and they follow him to the den, where April is seated in the old leather armchair like she’s here for a job interview. Sterling and Blair both sit on the couch while Luke grabs his guitar from its stand in the corner and stretches out on the love seat; he strums once and they grimace, then watch him turn each tuning peg and try again, and Sterling thinks it sounds worse but Luke grins and nods to himself.

“This is so great,” Sterling decides, her mouth as dry as the Sahara desert. “All of us. Hanging out together.”

“I was just telling April how excited I am for all of us to be friends,” Luke agrees, plucking some unrecognizable melody.

“And _I_ ,” April adds in a tone that gives Sterling chills, “was just telling Luke how… _thoughtful_ he is for arranging this.”

Blair nods. “Totes thoughtful.”

“Yeah!” Sterling says, sort of to April, who doesn’t return the look. “ _Totes_.”

“ _Sterling_ ,” Blair whispers under her breath, only to her sister.

“ _What_?”

" _You’re at, like, a twelve right now_ ,” she explains, holding up her hand near her eyes, then lowers it to her chin. “ _We need you at more of a seven_.”

Sterling nods. “ _Okay. I can do a seven._ ”

 _“I know you can. Seven it up, baby_.”

“So, April,” Sterling says at normal volume, turning her body to face the armchair. “How… I, um—what’s your opinion on the new baby Jesus-shaped chicken nuggets in the cafeteria?” She glances back at Blair, who holds up seven fingers and mouths _I’m begging you_.

She returns her attention to April, who’s taken out her phone and is scrolling with what appears to be zero interest. “I think they’re childish and vaguely cannibalistic,” April mutters.

“I heard Ellen say something about how they’re taking the whole ‘body of Christ’ thing a little too seriously,” Sterling jokes, and she swears she sees the corner of April’s mouth twitch.

“That reminds me!” Luke announces, sitting up and arranging the guitar in his lap. “I had an idea for a new song that I wanted to share. Well… right now it’s just a chorus, but I was thinking of taking the phrase ‘cross my heart’ and trying to, like, use it as a metaphor for when Jesus was on the cross. Y’know?”

Sterling and Blair exchange glances, then Sterling looks in the other direction to April again, who hasn’t looked up from her phone.

“Jesus saved us,” Sterling says solemnly, “but _we_ couldn’t save _us_.”

“But His love is more than enough,” Luke adds, thoughtful as he bobs his head to an inaudible beat.

Blair snaps her finger. “All it takes is a little trust.”

“I really wish you’d all shut the fuck up.”

All three of them look at April, still stoic as ever; Sterling’s stomach drops the same way it did when April grabbed her arm after the debate, and Blair gasps aloud.

“ _April said the F-word_.”

Sterling knows she’s grinning like an idiot as she glances at Blair. “ _That’s the second time I’ve heard her say it_.”

Blair gives her a look. “ _Oh my god. You’re, like, super turned on right now, aren’t you?”_

_“It’s a sexy word!”_

“Y’know,” Luke says thoughtfully, “I kinda like that, especially after the lyric about trust. It’s like I’m telling all the demons and doubters to just… get the heck outta here, man.” He nods to himself again, looking beyond pleased. “You guys, I feel so blessed with inspiration. Thank you all for being here.”

Sterling just shrugs. “That’s what friends are for, right?”

Blair leans toward her, still facing Luke. “ _Sterling_.”

“ _What? That was a very normal and wholesome thing to say.”_

She clears her throat quietly. “ _I think I don’t hate helping Luke write songs._ ”

“ _Are you saying that to make me feel less guilty about involving you in my gaydate?”_

_“No, I’m saying it because I hate keeping secrets from you and I’ve only had this one for about ten seconds but I feel gross enough about it that I needed to get it off my chest right away.”_

_“You feel gross about having the secret or gross about the secret itself?”_

_“Yes.”_

_“No, Blair, I’m asking which—oh.”_

_“Good talk, sis. Also, you’re welcome.”_

_“For what?”_

Blair sits upright again then makes a show of glancing around the space. “Hey Luke, have you experimented at all with the acoustics in the rest of your house? The sound might change depending on where you are and I’d say it’s definitely worth testing out every single room.” She glances at her watch. “Like, at least twice.”

Luke shakes his head in awe. “You’re so smart, Blair. I didn’t even think of that.”

“Why would you?” April mutters, barely loud enough for Sterling to hear, “it’s stupid.”

“Well,” Blair continues, “as both a Christian and an aspiring producer with… almost an hour’s worth of professional studio experience, I feel like I owe it to you,” she says, gesturing to Luke, then points up at the ceiling. “Nay—to the Lord herself—to make this music happen.” 

She triple-winks at Sterling as she leads him out of the room, and both Sterling and April sit in still silence as they listen to the others’ voices slowly fade to the other side of the house.

“So.”

“Why are you here?” April asks, finally looking at Sterling now. “No bullshit.”

Sterling studies her own hands in her lap, then forces herself to make eye contact. “I miss you,” she says quietly.

April sighs, puts her phone down, and leaves her armchair to sit next to Sterling, and even with a careful twelve inches between them, Sterling’s entire body is instantly on fire. April stares straight ahead. “I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to keep apologizing. We can just agree that this sucks and—”

“Earlier I apologized for the general situation, and because you seemed…” April trails off, then moves on. “But you just said you missed me, so now I’m apologizing for that, specifically. It’s different.”

Sterling laughs under her breath. “You can take the girl out of the debate…”

April shakes her head. “Debates are straightforward. Objective. Emotionless. They have a definitive conclusion.” She swallows hard and her fingers on the hand that’s between them extend toward Sterling, before clenching into a fist. “I wish this were a debate.”

She gets up and walks out of the room without another word.

(Sterling waits ten full seconds before she exhales.)

*

When Blair comes back to the den an hour and a half later, Sterling is at the bottom of a bag of chips and watching _Gilmore Girls_ reruns.

“Sterl.”

“Yeah?”

Blair looks around the room like she’s double-checking something. “Where is your ex-girlfriend slash the whole reason why I just helped your ex-boyfriend write three Christ-friendly heartbreak songs?”

Sterling just shrugs. Blair huffs and sinks down next to her, then reaches for a chip but only feels air, then looks at her sister. “How long have you been holding this empty chip bag?”

“It’s my _emotional support_ chip bag, okay?”

“No, Sterling, _not_ okay,” Blair objects, pulling it from her grasp and tossing it behind the couch. “Was your gaydate really that terrible? I was hoping I’d come back and be interrupting sexy-times or something.”

Sterling rests her head on Blair’s shoulder and feels an arm wrap around her. “It wasn’t terrible,” she says, then thinks for a long moment. “It’s hard when someone breaks up with you, and it’s even harder when you know they didn’t want to.”

Blair lets out a heavy sigh. “If I tell you to stop worrying so much about April’s feelings and try taking care of yourself for a change, will you follow that advice?”

“No,” Sterling answers honestly.

“Alright. I won’t bother, then.”

“Sorry.”

“Don’t be.”

Blair kisses her head and Sterling takes a deep breath. “How cringey are Luke’s songs?”

“First of all, they’re _our_ songs, and second of all, that shit would make the Hillsong dudes cry.”

Sterling sits up to look at Blair, staring at her in disbelief.

Blair rolls her eyes. “Okay, pick up your jaw off the floor. I had to talk him out of several _spectacularly_ bad ideas to get there, which is _why_ they’re our songs—we negotiated equal songwriting credit, because Blair Wesley is a smart and fully capable goddamn business woman.”

“I know that’s not an Avril Lavigne lyric, but it really feels like it should be.”

“I _so_ appreciate your enthusiasm, and I need you to hold onto it with both hands.”

“Because…”

“Because Luke and I may have, kinda-sorta, scheduled another… playdate. Or two. Or three.” Sterling waits for more, but Blair holds up her hands. “Three. Total. Estimated.” Blair quickly examines every inch of Sterling’s face. “Are you mad? You don’t even really have to come if you don’t want to. But please come. I need you.”

Sterling takes Blair’s hand. “I’m not mad, and I’ll come. It’s fine.”

Blair’s expression is still pleading. “Do you promise, or am I the worst?”

“I _promise_ ,” Sterling insists, her eyes flickering between Blair and the doorway, and finally she shakes her head to clear it. “But we should go home now in case April comes back and my brain explodes all over again.”

“Yeah, let’s get the fuck out of here.” Blair pulls Sterling to her feet and leads her out of the room, pulling harder when Sterling hesitates at the threshold. “Leave the emotional support chip bag. April will find it on the floor and rue the day she didn’t get to second base with you in Luke’s living room.”

“We’ve already gotten to second b—”

“ _Not the point, Sterling_.”

*

The second time is a little easier, but also somehow even worse. April gets in Luke’s car and Sterling and Blair follow in their car; April goes right to her armchair while Luke and Blair go right to their music, and as soon as they leave the room, April switches to her secondary spot next to Sterling, still keeping a foot of space.

Neither of them speaks. April looks at her phone, and Sterling turns on the TV and sets the remote between them so April can change the channel if she wants, but April’s attention doesn’t divert from her own small screen.

“Rory’s a shitty friend.”

Sterling glances at April, whose body language has changed so little that she wonders if she imagined her saying the words. She steadies herself and looks back at the TV. “Paris deserved better.”

The proceeding silence is so long that Sterling starts to regret saying anything, starts to wonder if she _did_ actually imagine April’s comment or April just wasn’t at all interested in Sterling’s feedback, but then:

“Agreed.”

Sterling smiles to herself, and April doesn’t say anything else to her for the rest of the afternoon, and she decides she’s kind of okay with that.

The third time, Blair has a new and inexplicable urgency to get to the car “first,” whatever that means, and Sterling remains confused until she realizes that Luke’s car is parked right next to theirs.

“Blair,” she dares to ask as she watches her sister lean against Luke’s passenger door, “what’s going on?”

“God’s plan,” is all Blair says, smiling sweetly as she thrusts their keys into Sterling’s hand, then perks up when she sees Luke and April approaching. “Luke, you ready to get a jump on that new song?”

“I’ve been thinking about it all night!” he says to Blair with a grin, then glances down at April. “You don’t mind, do you?”

April’s arms are crossed very tightly across her chest, not happy that Blair is splaying her entire body over the car door, blocking her way. “Mind what, exactly?”

“Sitting in the back so Luke and I can talk lyrics on the way,” Blair explains, then watches April glance between her and Luke, calculating the safest next move. “Of course, if you wanted to avoid all of that, you _could_ ride with _Sterling_ …”

Sterling is zero-percent prepared for the look April gives her in the next moment, but once April sees that Sterling wasn’t in on this “plan,” her expression softens in a way that Sterling knows Blair and Luke won’t notice; wouldn’t even know to look for; doesn’t make their stomachs churn or their skin vibrate with electric heat the way hers does.

“Sterling, can you unlock the door, please?”

April’s voice pulls her from her own April feelings and she fumbles with the keys for way too long before finally hitting the right button. They both get in and buckle their seat belts, and April has her phone out before Sterling has even started the engine.

“Has your Instagram been blowing up or something?” Sterling tries to joke as she reverses out of the spot. “You know what Ellen says about FOMO…”

“I’m reading the Bible,” April says, sounding matter-of-fact but tired.

Sterling nods, keeps nodding, nods some more. “Oh.”

Silence through the parking lot, two traffic lights, and a roundabout.

“Not in the pretentious way you’re probably assuming,” April clarifies quietly.

“I wasn’t assuming anything,” Sterling assures her, and she has no idea if April believes her because the silence resumes and hovers over them like a picnic blanket hovering in midair but never settling into the grass, all the way to Luke’s house.

She shifts into park but doesn’t move, and April doesn’t either.

“Are you happy with him?” she asks the windshield.

April takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. “I’m safe with him.”

“Is that a yes or a no?”

“It’s a fact.”

April gets out of the car, and Sterling still hasn’t moved when April disappears through the front door.

A _knock-knock-knock_ on the driver side window jars her from her thoughts; she finds Blair waving at her on the other side and holds down the button to lower the glass.

“Did April throw herself out of the car while it was moving, or while you were at a stop light, or did you push her out?”

Sterling manages a sort-of laugh. “Was that your plan?”

“ _God_ ’s plan,” Blair corrects her.

“Blair.”

“God creates me, I create the plan. Just giving divine credit where divine credit is due.”

Now she just shakes her head. “She went inside.”

“Oh.”

“Disappointed?”

“Mildly.”

Sterling sighs. “How was riding shotgun with Luke?”

“Never happening again. Dude cannot multitask to save his life, _or_ mine—while he was talking to me about a melody for the bridge, he almost drove off an _actual_ bridge.”

“Sorry to hear that.”

It’s Blair’s turn to sigh. “I love you. Are you okay?”

“I love you too,” is all Sterling says as she gets out of the car and heads for the house, and Blair follows her without pushing any further.

(April doesn’t leave her arm chair today. Sterling moves to the end of the couch, as close as she can get, and has to sit on her hands to stop herself from reaching across the gap.

Halfway through the second episode, April sighs, sets her phone down, and leans against the arm of her chair that’s closest to Sterling.

Sterling leans against the arm of the couch, squeezing the back of her neck the way she wishes she could be squeezing April’s hand.)

*

By the end of the week her stomach has flip-flopped between excitement and dread so many times that she’s losing track of which is which. All she knows is it's like a freaking witch’s cauldron down there, and Blair asks her more than once if it might be a period thing, but Sterling doesn’t think so; it just feels kind of impossible to safely navigate each new afternoon spent at Luke’s, because she never knows what vibes she’ll be getting from April, but she’s also refused to, like, stop doing that.

So. It’s whatever.

“Sweetheart, would you mind joining me in my office?”

Ellen’s voice sing-songs its way through Sterling’s mess of thoughts and prompts her to realize she has no idea what textbook she’s looking for. “Sure,” she says, deciding the textbook thing is a problem for future-Sterling, then closes her locker and follows Ellen down the hallway.

She’s too busy thinking about her stomach cauldron to give any consideration to what this might be about, and when she sees April already seated at one of the two chairs in front of Ellen’s desk, the cauldron bubbles up like Mentos in a Coke bottle. Sterling opens her mouth to greet her, then decides that’s an absolutely terrible idea and opts to just sit down instead.

Ellen takes her own seat, hands clasped neatly on the desk in front of her, all smiles as she glances between them. “Well, I’ll start by sayin’ that you’re not in any trouble.”

Neither of them relaxes.

“I just wanted to have a quick chat with y’all about the lock-in—which was a _tremendous_ success, by the way, thanks to y’all’s hard work! But I did notice, Sterling,” she continues, zeroing in on her, “that you left in the middle of the night. Now, as group leader, you _are_ held to a certain standard above and beyond the rest of the group, which must _always_ include settin’ an example for your peers.”

“Of course,” Sterling agrees.

Ellen nods and switches gears to April now. “And April, I know you were bearer of the keys that night, which means you’re the one who unlocked the door for our girl, here.”

“I’m sorry,” April says immediately at the same time that Sterling blurts “I asked her to,” and Ellen looks unsure of how to proceed.

“I asked her to,” Sterling repeats, and waits for Ellen to refocus on her. “I know the whole point of the lock-in is that everyone is supposed to stay together all night— _especially_ those in leadership roles—and I promise, I’m still fully committed to my responsibilities.”

Ellen nods eagerly. “I’m truly delighted to hear that, Sterling. It’s just that…” She sighs. “For my own piece of mind, what was it that had you leavin’ us like that?”

“It was a private matter,” April says finally, sounding an impressive combination of polite but firm. “Completely unrelated to the group or the lock-in.”

“Even if it’s unrelated, it still _affected_ the group and the lock-in, and—”

“I was struggling,” Sterling begins, hoping that will be considered a complete answer.

Ellen’s face lights up with concern and warmth, and suddenly Sterling’s palms are sweating against the armrests. “Aren’t we all,” Ellen agrees sympathetically. “With what, dear? School? Family? Puberty? Believe me, I know it’s around this time that young girls like yourself start—”

“I _am_ struggling.” She _had_ to cut her off. Right? (Oh, _fuck_ , what’s she supposed to say now?) “With, um.” Deep breath. _Please don’t throw up in front of your crush_. “I like girls,” she finally blurts, gripping the chair like she’s on a roller coaster. “Like, in the sexy way. The same way that I like boys. I still like boys,” Sterling adds between gulps of oxygen, “but I—I’ve been, just… trying to figure some things out, and so I asked April,” she continues with what she hopes is a completely not-shaky hand gesture, “for… guidance. She knows the Bible so well, and I-I thought she might, y’know… be able to point me in the right direction.”

She makes herself stop there, partially to catch her breath, and partially because she’s hoping this conversation will end, like _now_.

“Oh, _Sterling_ ,” Ellen gasps, pressing her hands together in a praying position and extending them across the desk. “I had no idea you were going through all of this, and I am _so_ grateful for your honesty.” She turns her attention to April. “And I know this is between y’all, but since we’re all here, d’you mind if I ask… What was the verdict?”

April just blinks at her.

“When Sterling asked you for advice about her… _sexuality_ ,” Ellen explains, her voice dropping to a whisper just for that word, “what’d you come up with? I’m always lookin’ to learn, and I’d love to hear how y’all’s conversation went, if you’re willin’ to share.”

Sterling waits as long as she can bear before finally, _slowly_ , turning her head to look at April, whose facial expression has never looked so blank.

But then, like the flip of a switch, she sets her posture and looks Ellen right in the eyes. “I told her that God doesn’t give a crap, and neither should anyone else.”

Ellen’s jaw drops. “ _April_ , I… I couldn’t have said it any better myself!” She gestures for them both to lean in closer and her voice gets quiet again. “Just between us… I’ve always found beauty in _all_ of God’s creatures. Maybe not in the sexy way, like y’all were saying, but… men, women, that person in my yoga class whose gender I still haven’t quite figured out but is _very_ cute… I tried givin’ ‘em my number a few weeks ago but I think my sweat must’ve smudged a digit or two.” She waves off her own rambling thoughts. “Anywho, you won’t get any arguments from me. Love is love, and I love you girls very much, and I _love_ hearin’ that you’re lookin’ out for each other.” She sets her keys on the desk and straps on her moped helmet. “Now that we’ve cleared all that up, y’all can feel free to stay here and talk as long as you need.”

She leaves and closes the door behind her, and Sterling can _feel_ the silence descend upon the room as she and April sit completely still.

It takes her a few tries to get her lungs to coordinate with her voice box, but she finally manages a single breathless word. “April…”

The breeze April creates as she walks behind Sterling’s chair might as well be hurricane-strength, and Sterling’s heart is in her throat as she thinks about the last time they were left alone in this room; by the time Sterling realizes the keys are still on Ellen’s desk, April is already gone.

(Dread. The feeling in her stomach is dread.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What fun would a three-month hiatus be if the new chapter didn't end with angst? (I'm so sorry.) (The next/final chapter will help, I promise.)


End file.
